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再次在這裡再用文字來抒發自己的心情已經是距離上一次兩年後的事。

時光飛逝。這兩年來自己在這陌生的國度過的很不錯。習慣了這裡的環境和語言，也有了幾位要好的朋友。生活圈子稍微的擴大了；平日的生活也過的很充實 - 幾乎都在忙著學業和工作。至於感情，還是落空的。最近認識了一位很不錯的對象，可惜我應該不是他的菜吧？我追也追過了，也付出了，能嘗試的都做了，無奈這段感情應該沒辦法開花結果。這一次很不同。他改變了我的生活，一切都變得更好了。第一次覺得和一個人相處竟然可以那麼的舒服自在，可以不顧一切的表達自己；原來每天下班後有個人在等你的感覺真的是很不錯。但我迷茫了。這樣子的舒服，讓我我不知道下一步應該怎麼走。 繼續等待或放開手？這幾天嘗試著把自己對他的熱情給冷卻。他對著我還是一如往常的面帶可愛的笑容；但我對著他笑容少了，話少了，也多了一份尷尬。我不知道往後會如何，不過此刻還是非常感謝你出現在我的生命裡。有可能我們在錯的時間認識了彼此，不過也幸好有你陪伴著我度過過去艱難的半年。最後想在此刻還喜歡你的時候想你說聲：“我愛你。”

“I like you so much that I can’t bear that you’re not mine；but I love you so much that I want to be at your side and witness you to be happy everyday.”

既来之，则安之？

两个礼拜过去了，来了纽约两个礼拜；已经开始慢慢的习惯这里的环境语言地铁路线等等，不过还是有种空虚感。。。活了这二十多年，感受这样庞大程度的空虚感还是第一次。。。

自从几天前送走了母亲回家，这感觉就开始无限的自我放大。这感觉，很复杂；有孤独寂寞，无助，迷茫，慌张，伤心等等，我自己也说不出这究竟是一个怎样的感觉。本以为过了几天心情就会慢慢的平复，但今天再度送走了一位朋友后，它又回来了。一想到自己接下来这几年都得独自在这世界级的大城市中生活，我真的不知所措。

自从踏入纽约，这一路走来都还蛮坎坷。尤其是之前被答应的住宿，临时被取消了；所以就花了好几天与母亲阿姨在纽约到处找房子租。好不容易看中了一间很不错的房子，怎知接下来的是步骤复与惊人般贵的费用；我知道，我加重了父母经济上的负担。我很惭愧，很羞耻；怎么在这样的一把年纪还得劳烦父母啊！不孝子！

期间也因为一些事情，和朋友起了争执。这争执到现在都还没解决，半天掉般的悬挂在空中，自己对解决的方法毫无头绪。不知该怎么入手，至少我的简讯那位友人也没回。该怎么办？这可是我不想失去的一位友人。

乐观点，就告诉自己这是人生历练；被观点，就是觉得自己还蛮倒霉的。不过，我写这篇的目的除了抒发想法情绪，也想要自己永远的记得这初到新环境很复杂的感觉。我想这辈子应该再也不会那么庞大版的感受这感觉。

记得，一切都会好好的！加油！

Starting something new..!

Bonjour !

It has been a year since I last posted a post on this blog. Again, time flies...

Unlike last post where I sounded lost and miserable towards my life despite all those travelings, I am currently in a stage where my life is going to take a HUGE turn into path that I have never travelled before. After two years of grad school applications and putting in tons of effort, I have finally been accepted into a doctorate graduate program in US that I had applied to, with scholarship awarded. A pretty good and exciting news, after all this is what I have always wanted and have been working so hard to achieve it! 

But things are not always like how we had expected. Admittedly, I was very exciting when I first read the email on my admission offer, but what followed were simply disasters. The disasters started with explaining to others where is my school/nature and duration of the program, to passport renewal and visa application, to preparing and packing luggages. In fact, I have not even started to do my packing yet and I will be departing in 2 weeks time.

It is a mixed feeling for leaving one's hometown (where one has been living there for literally his whole life until now) to start a new life in a new environment with new culture and people. It might be scary for most people, and I always thought I will not have much problems in adapting and acculturating to new environment. However, I started to become wary as the time for me to leave gets nearer. At least for now, I am worried on pretty much everything e.g. the language, the friends, the professors, and even the foods!

As far as I could remember, I don't recall myself to be so worrying when I first moved to KL to continue my undergraduate education. It might be that the current moving is a bigger and more impactful one? Looking back to the posts that I wrote back then really does give me a sense of speechlessness. Especially my way of communicating in English, I did sounded a lot like my current students, since I was from Chinese education background.  

Mentioning my students, I really did enjoyed my 2 years+ experience working as a pre-university lecturer. I have met students of diverse variety, and some of them are now my friends who will exchange different opinions with me about life and other issues. My soft skills were improved as well, especially public speaking. At least I will not feel as fearful while speaking in front of 60+ people. From where else could one get such fabulous experiences? No where I would say. 

One last thing before ending my post. This is more of a reminder for myself to look back at this few years later and have a good laugh. Remember the one whom you have fell for? How is she doing? How did this episode end? All that I have to say now is: I am sorry that I disturb you.

Wishing myself tons of lucks!

Adulthood? Comme ci, comme ça

Bonjour tout le monde!

Time flies. It had been two years since I last blogged, when I just started my summer job in US.

Lots of things had happened within these 2 years, including both exciting and shitty ones. After my summer job, I had done some backpacking around the States and some European countries which those experiences had profound and significant affect on me even until today. 

Stepped into the 'real world' at the beginning of last year by involving in works related to teenage education, which I am still doing it until now. Got involved in some research works as well, and had applied to some postgraduate programs, which obviously I had failed in securing admission offer from those programs.

Life has been fun and exciting, coupled with some stresses and disappointments. Sometimes, with a sense of helplessness when I see myself to be lagging behind from the usual 'schedule'. Seeing others at my age getting married, having their first children as well as career promotion; had made me felt that I am defective where I am stuck at here going no where. These sense of hopelessness and defectiveness are further reinforced by the people around us, and by the society.

People around me have been defining success as earning lots money, get busy with daily life, have family and kids, and most importantly, own some assets like cars, houses etc. Let's face it, even the topics that are most frequently discussed among the friends are about rental, wages, kids and those of related; this is true regardless of which social circle I am interacting with.

Famous magazine would always listed the 100 most successful people according to their wealth. I have always wondered, couldn't those who have followed their passion, those who have helped others, and those who live a fulfilling and enlightened life considered as successful? Why don't we have some lists on those who have helped the most amount of people or those who have achieved their childhood dreams?

 

Well that's kind of impossible, seeing how materialistic our world is. A short reflection on my adulthood so far, and I am still enjoy it though. C'est la vie.

P.S. secure a postgraduate admission offer by this year!! Good luck.

思凡

 

郁闷

不知不觉，已经在这里过了一个礼拜。


凭良心讲，这在异乡的第一个礼拜并不如我想象中般的那么美好。